Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize