This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
