he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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