Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
we're chasing vodka with high fives
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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