trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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