So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
