I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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