I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
