apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
