Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize