Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
