So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
