help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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