Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
