toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
did you just send me my own nude
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
