he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
