i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
