I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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