I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
