i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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