oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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