vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
