I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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