Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
