guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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