i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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