508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
