God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
