Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
