I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
