Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
