dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
