Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
