saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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