I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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