mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
