If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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