im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
