I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize