i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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