nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
