The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
