you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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