i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i was born a porn star she said
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
