Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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