very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
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