I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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