Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize