what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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