Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
