Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
