Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
