someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize