The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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