I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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