You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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