today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You were trust falling into bushes
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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