This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
