That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
