omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
