tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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