They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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