No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
