nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
