do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
