I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
