i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
